By God's grace, I am not addicted to porn, have been faithful to my wonderful wife, and repented in early adulthood of my sin in this area. But my experiences with porn as a young man are but one testimony to how powerfully attractive it is.
I'm currently in a sermon series at the church where I'm interim pastor covering the Sermon on the Mount, and this Sunday, we cover the topic of lust and sexual sin. I'm covering this topic, first of all, because the Bible does. Every word of Scripture is God-breathed and "profitable," and there are probably no more profitable words in Scripture at this time in our culture than those dealing with lust and sexual sin. The depth of it in our churches in both overwhelming and unbelievable! But what may shock most is that this epidemic is also present among pastors!
So I want to take a moment here to plead with my fellow pastors on this subject. Our people should be able to follow us--to emulate our lifestyle. Yet for many pastors, the subject of sexuality is off limits in their pulpits because they don't have their own sex lives in order. Too many times in my years as a denominational servant, I've had to deal with the "after-effects" of a pastor whose secret life was discovered. Its no fun at all working with a church that has lost all trust in its leadership because of this issue. And its heartbreaking to see the family of a pastor devastated, and many times broken up, because of his sin. But this issue is frighteningly pervasive!
-37% of pastors anonymously interviewed admitted that they constantly and regularly struggle with pornography.
-nearly 40% of pastors anonymously interviewed admitted to having an extramarital affair since the beginning of their ministry.
Satan is wreaking havoc among those who call themselves God's men. This must stop! Yes porn is powerful, but Jesus, whom you preach each and every Sunday, is more powerful! So if you are a pastor who is reading this and struggling with sexual sin, take the steps necessary to crucify that sin.
1. Expose it. By this I don't necessarily mean to get up in the pulpit this Sunday and admit it to your entire congregation. As their pastor your role is to look out for their best interests, and such action might prove to be so bold as to shock them in an unhealthy way. HOWEVER, you need others to overcome this. James tells us to confess our sins to one another. This may start with a fellow pastor that you trust. It might start with your local Associational missionary. I have resources available to help.
And when you tell them, tell them EVERYTHING, get good counsel from them regarding what you should do next, and FOLLOW THAT COUNSEL. If we are talking about an internet porn problem, it may be that you simply need to join a support group and get the help necessary to overcome this sin. If you have committed adultery, you will need to confess such action to those in your church who have authority over you, such as fellow-elders, and submit to their loving discipline. But those you seek counsel from first can help you discern the best way to do this.
If you don't expose your struggle and/or sin, eventually it will expose you. You WILL get caught. Your sin WILL find you out! Set yourself free from the secrecy and hypocrisy of a double-life, and expose your problem.
2. Crucify it. Jesus told us in Matthew 5:29-30 to cut off body parts that are offensive to us if necessary in order to avoid sexual sin. Obviously this is a metaphor (otherwise, all men following this command literally would be blind and crippled!), but the message is clear: When it comes to dealing with sexual sin, we have to get radical!
This may mean a change in behavior patterns. it may mean you disconnect the internet for a season. It most likely means installing tracking software so that at least one other person can see where you are going online. It might mean you cancel your cable subscription, or even cancel a certain sports magazine subscription that comes with the so-called "fringe benefit" of a swimsuit issue. You might think that's going overboard, but many over-the-counter magazines sold today--including swimsuit issues of sports magazines--contain the kind of material that would have only been sold behind the counter as porn just a few decades ago. The intent is to incite lust for the body of one who is not your wife.
Support groups can help you do this as well, and some of those are listed at the bottom of this post.
Whatever you have to do, do it in order to free yourself from this issue!
3. Let your wife help you fight it. One of the hardest things a man has to do is admit a lust problem to his wife. You may need wise counsel about how to reveal this struggle to your wife, but you must not keep this from her! She deserves to know the truth, and she deserves a husband who will fight to keep his marriage promises to her. Give your wife permission to ask you hard questions about your thoughts, your actions, and your desires. Give her your password information for all your social media. Include her as an accountability partner for your tracking software.
Oh, and while breaking free from the porn struggle, use the time you have been spending looking at other women to reconnect to your wife. It may be blunt but it is true gentlemen: If you took the time you spent imagining being in the bed of other women, and spent that time instead trying to get into your wife's bed, both you and your wife would live much happier lives!
I've talked with men before who blame their porn problem on the fact that their wife doesn't give them sex. Gentlemen, you are the head of your home, which means you are responsible for the atmosphere of your home! If there is a problem in the bedroom, it is most likely related to, and began in, other rooms of the house. Your job as the head is to discover what those issues are, repent to your wife of any part of it that is your fault, and lead your wife into a relationship of greater intimacy between you both. Pursue her the way you did before you were married!
Also, re-establish your wife as your standard of beauty. The Song of Songs is one of the most erotic books ever written, and its in the Bible! By the end of that book, there is one thing we know, and one thing we don't know. What we know is that to Solomon, his bride was the most beautiful woman in the world. What we don't know is what she looked like! Was she tall or short? Was she thin or athletic? We have no idea! And it doesn't matter! As a husband, I need to understand the false message porn promotes regarding beauty. Porn encourages men to crave different kinds of women. No wife, no matter how beautiful, can compete with that because no wife can be tall and short, blonde and brunette, or white and black at the same time. So if I have a wife, SHE alone needs to be my standard of beauty, as opposed to some borderline-anorexic supermodel on the cover of a rag at the supermarket.
The New Testament commends frequent sexual activity between spouses as a deterrent to sexual sin. One of the reasons we see such rampant sin in the church is because, frankly, there isn't nearly enough sex happening in the home. To be sure, if you are currently struggling with porn or any other sexual sin, your wife probably won't be eager to jump into bed with you, and you will probably need to spend a few weeks or months developing some discipline while you break free from the bondage you are in. But eventually, once forgiveness has taken place and reconciliation is complete, you will need to focus sexual energies on your own cistern.
Porn is wrecking homes all over our nation. Christian homes are not exempt, and too many pastors are unable to effectively deal with this problem in their churches because of their own struggles. Pastor, come clean! It may cost you. You may need to take a break from ministry for a while to get straightened out. But trust me when I say that you MUST deal with this, before it deals with you!
*For internet accountability, check out www.covenanteyes.com
*For online help with a pornography problem, visit www.xxxchurch.com
*For more intensive help with sexual addiction, visit www.faithfulandtrueministries.com
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