Making Marriage Work: What We are Still Learning

19 years ago at this time, a beautiful, smart, winsome, godly young lady with obvious issues of blindness and bad character judgement had already said "I do" to a young 22-year-old knot-head named Joel.  We were preparing to leave the wedding reception where we had been talking with friends and family for about an hour, and head to the beautiful area of Boone, North Carolina, where we would spend our Honeymoon.

If, at that moment, you had told either of us what God had in store for us over the next two decades, we would not have believed it!

As you can tell from the pictures, we don't look the same as we once did.  Amy has gotten a lot prettier, and I've gotten a lot uglier and hairier!  Additionally, there are now three other people who live with us who call us "Mom" and "Dad," and as anyone who is a parent knows, the presence of such little ones changes life in profound ways.  All in all, its been a blessed 19 years, and yes, I'd do it all over again with this wonderful woman.  It hasn't all been fun, but marriage isn't supposed to be.

Over the past several decades, divorce statistics remain unchanged, and as a minister of the Gospel, I've personally experienced those statistics.  Charles Lowery once comically said "I'd rather preach a funeral than a wedding any day.  They pay more, and they last longer!"  I can certainly vouch for that.  About 30% of the couples for whom I have officiated a wedding are now divorced.  On the other hand, everyone I've ever buried is right where I left them!

In this kind of context, we are often asked by younger couples how we have made it as long as we have.  Because we constantly praise and adore each other publicly, sometimes folks get the false impression that Amy and I have never had marriage struggles. Truth is, we have hit a few very rough patches in our years together, just like every couple does.  So, why are we still together?

1. Because we try to love Jesus more than we love each other.  Here is the unvarnished truth.  I don't deserve my wife, and the Biblical prohibition against divorce isn't about me or her.  Its about Jesus.  I think if we based our "staying power" merely on our devotion to each other, we too might have been a statistic years ago.  Keeping the wedding vows I made to my wife aren't primarily for the benefit of my wife.  Its about a promise I made to my Creator and Redeemer when I entered into the very marriage covenant that He created in order to point people to Himself.

One day in the future, one of us will pass away and leave the other one behind.  In that moment, the Rainey marriage covenant will be forever severed, because contrary to what some false religions teach, we aren't headed toward an eternal marriage between Joel and Amy. Instead, Joel and Amy are both headed toward their ultimate Bridegroom.  On that day, we won't miss each other because we will both be too busy basking in the unspeakable glory of what our earthly marriage was always supposed to be pointing to.  As wonderful as my relationship has been with Amy, I can't imagine how wonderful that day will be!

So over the past 19 years when arguments seemed to become more regular, or one of us thought the other seemed to be less tolerable, we've tried to look beyond each other, and toward what we promised God we would do our best to reflect--the very thing He expects marriage to reflect.  It hasn't always been easy, but God has a way of always out-giving us in every way, and I've certainly experienced that when it comes to how rewarded I feel by Him for our faithfulness to each other.

2. Because we allow each other to be who we are.  Amy runs almost daily, and is currently training for another half-marathon.  She genuinely loves to run.  If I'm running, its either because someone has a gun, or because I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to get any fatter than I already am.  Amy is a slow, careful, deliberate and thoughtful reader.  I go through books like chicken wings.  Amy likes to take her time in the grocery store.  I want to split up the list and do double the shopping in half the time.  When we vacation, Amy enjoys the journey.  I'm trying to break a record to get to the destination.

Bottom line:  we are different, and we allow for those differences in each other.  I have a pair of running shoes only because she loves to run.  She has a motorcycle helmet because she knows I'm most relaxed when I'm on my Harley in Maryland's Catoctin Mountains.  Because we know these things about each other, we make sure the other can make time for these things.  They come up every time we have a "calendar meeting."  And we do this because, in the midst of my work-related travel and publishing deadlines, and her juggling of the home schedule, we don't want to lose each other.  I thank God for a woman who, when she sees me stressed out, asks "so when was the last time you took a ride Babe?"

3. Because we are best friends.  I'll be brutally honest here:  When I was standing at the altar 19 years ago with my soon-to-be wife, I had a few things going through my mind, but none so intense as the thoughts of what we would be up to that evening!  (Cue the retching now from the peanut gallery.......)

And I know what some of you are asking, "but it wasn't just the physical attraction.  You did LOVE her, didn't you?"  And I will say yes, I loved her--at least as much as any 22-year-old BOY could love anyone. Furthermore, those feelings weren't wrong.  God put them there for a reason.  But, those feelings alone don't make a marriage last, principally because they come and go.  You'd be amazed at how quickly the sweet smell of cologne and perfume fades when the stench of dirty laundry and medicinal salve is in the room!

Over the years, Amy and I have had many "romantic getaways" when we hire a sitter and take off for a night away.  Our 10th anniversary was spent in Cozumel, and if we can get it worked out, we will spend next year's 20th anniversary milestone in Venice Italy.  

And then there are years like this one.  We were planning to go out for a quiet evening together at a local restaurant, but two of our three children have a stomach bug, so instead we will eat takeout, sit on our back deck, and be available in case one of them throws up.  Romantic, huh?

And over the past 19 years, we've had many more experiences like tonight than we've had trips to exotic Mexican destinations!  And through all of those experiences, we have learned that the best way to face them is to do so as friends.  There is nothing wrong with romance.  I've learned to enjoy it far more over the years. When we get dressed up to go out, Amy is always stunning.  Its funny, I can look at women's clothes on the rack, or jewelry in her jewelry box and not have a clue, but believe me, she knows where it all goes, and it looks really good when she gets it all in place!  She is beautiful, thoughtful and intelligent, and that makes candlelight dinners with her an exquisite pleasure.

Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with sex.  Matter of fact, I happen to think that sex is fantastic!  Sex can greatly enhance a permanent bond between husband and wife, but it cannot create that bond, and it isn't what makes a marriage last.  Prolonged sickness, a tough pregnancy, young children that won't sleep, stressful times at work, and a hundred other things can result in you being "on the bench" for a while where sex is concerned.  But you always have friendship, regardless of whether the lights are dimmed, whether you hear the kids puking in the background, or whether or not you can work out that getaway.  Friendship isn't dependent on context.  Its unconditional, just like the love we are commanded to have for each other in a marriage.

4. Because we have sought help.  Once early in our marriage a co-worker commented that Amy and I always seemed to get along so well.  "Do you ever fight?" she asked?  "Oh yeah, " I responded, "and sometimes, chains and billy-sticks are involved!"

I've known and pastored a lot of married couples, and the only ones I've known who never had a rough patch were those who had a problem with compulsive lying.  Amy and I have experienced those rough patches too, and one of the ways we made it through was to seek help.  Twice we have visited a counselor, because there was an issue we knew we needed to work through together, but weren't sure how to do it.  At that point, our marriage wasn't "about to fall apart" (if you wait that long, you might need more than a counselor!), but we wanted to stay on top of things together.

We have also been greatly helped through the years by other couples much older, who have been married much longer.  By living in relationship with them, we have learned from their mistakes, and gained much wisdom on how to improve our own relationship.  Professional counseling can be a good thing, but trust me, the guy with a Ph.D. who is on his third wife has nothing profitable to say to you about marriage.  On the other hand, if you can find a couple who has been married at least as long as you have been alive, you will most likely gain a lot of very useful wisdom.  Come to think of it, you shouldn't even be asking this 19 year veteran about marriage.  I'm still learning myself!  Instead, go to church and find that man who has been married for 40 or 50 or 60 years.  Find that sweet old lady who walks in every Sunday with a walking cane in one hand, and her husband's hand in the other.  You might learn something.  I know Amy and I have!

I am an undeserving, rotten-to-the-core, but forgiven and therefore incredibly blessed man.  I'm grateful to Jesus for holding us together for all these years, and I'm grateful to a wonderful wife and best friend who continues with me on this journey.  Happy Anniversary Amy!

Race Relations and the Gospel: What the Church Needs to Say.

150 years after a bloody civil war and the 13th amendment, 40 years after sweeping civil rights legislation, and 6 years after electing an African American to the most powerful office in the world, one tragic act of violence is all it takes to demonstrate the deep racial divide that still exists in this country.

Truth is, George Zimmerman is the only one still alive who knows for sure exactly what happened on that horrible night back in the spring of 2012.  Apart from context, it would appear that this was a simple case of an incredibly stupid young man choosing to pursue someone who posed no immediate threat to him, and another young man choosing to fight instead of run.  But given the long history of troublesome race relations in this country, there was no way that race was not going to play a prominent role in this trial, and the subsequent public discussion.  There has simply been too much hostility.

Of course, the United States isn't unique when it comes to the struggle for racial peace.  All over the world, people of various ethnicities have profiled, stereotyped, and prejudged each other.  Having traveled much of the globe, I could speak at length about the love lost between Chinese and Japanese, or the animus that is held by Mexicans toward Colombians.  But in our own country, the highest level of racial strain exists between black and white, and anyone even casually acquainted with our nation's history knows why.

The following post is from three years ago, and addresses the racial divide between black and white in light of sin and redemption.  There is a reason that, even at this time in history, rush judgments continue to be made based on the amount of melanin in the skin, and the answer runs more than skin deep.  The answer lies in wicked hearts, and the only ultimate answer is a Savior who died, and was raised so that in the end, there would be no Jew or Greek, no slave or free, no male or female..

Reading Leonard Pitts' Miami Herald Column in this past Sunday's paper was especially hard for me. Entitled "A Child's View of Black and White," the article described with painful detail new "doll tests" that are given to children to determine if racism might exist. Pitts, himself an African-American, rightly lamented the predispositions of children, both black and white, toward identifying "darker" dolls as "bad" and "dumb." More specifically, he cited an encounter with a young black girl who "did not think she was beautiful . . . because she is dark."

Concluding this very sad column, Pitts wrote in an exasperated manner that we are "40 years into a future where Michael Jordan is an icon, Bill Cosby is a national father figure, and a Kenyan's son is President of these United States. Forty years, and still . . ."

As should be expected, Pitts claims that such a national racial dilemma begs an explanation. "How do you explain the psychology of self-loathing and the futility of judging oneself by someone else's beauty standards?" This is an excellent question, and as a white son of the south, what made this article hard to read is that I know the answer.

There are many things about my background and upbringing that make me proud. The installation of a strong Protestant work ethic, and cultural emphases on honesty, integrity, and helping one's neighbor are just a few examples. My home culture's attitude toward race relations however, is not on this list. Growing up, I heard all the standard stereotypes aimed at anyone who didn't share my skin tone. I heard interracial dating and marriage condemned. And though I was told "we are all equal, no matter what color we are," I rarely saw this "equality" dealt out fairly in my hometown.

Thankfully, God has redeemed me from these ways of thinking. Yet the problem of racism still exists, and I have discovered that the southern United States isn't the only place where it can be found. Shortly after moving to Maryland nearly six years ago, I was shocked to sit in a barber's chair only to hear the word "n*gger" within the first five minutes from the guy cutting my hair. 40 miles north of the nation's capital, I found a more vitriolic form of racism in the northeast that I had never encountered in the south.

The truth is that racism's origins can't be defined by a region of the country, nor can it be traced ultimately to parental attitudes, cultural prejudices, or even extremist groups like neo-Nazis, the KKK, or the Black Panthers. Ultimately, each of these sources of race-based hatred finds its origins in the Garden of Eden, within the minds of our first parents who sinned out of a self-centered heart that desired the opposite of God's design.

Paul tells us in Acts 17:24 that God "made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth." In other words, God's intent from the beginning was to create a diverse human race that would bring Him glory. The various ethnicities that exist on our planet are not the result of the fall, as is so often contended by some ill-informed and badly-biased interpreters of the text. Each originated in the mind of our Creator for His own ultimate glory. Furthermore, we are told that this divine demand for diverse worshippers all over the globe will come to pass, as that great, uncountable multitude of human beings, "from every nation, from all tribes, peoples, and languages" stand before the throne of the Lamb crying out "Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever!" (Revelation 7:9, 12, ESV)

In short, God intends to unite every ethnic group and language on the globe under the Lordship of Jesus for His own glory. As one of my mentors once stated, a unison choir is nice, but a choir that sings parts--the same song sung in various tones--sounds much more glorious. Racial and ethnic diversity exist because God is worthy of so much more than a unison choir at the end of the age. Race matters! And it matters because God matters!

Such is the reason why racism is such a deadly and dangerous disease in our culture. When Leonard Pitts describes it, he rightly laments the way human beings created in God's image are mistreated as a result, but he fails to see that the ultimate insult is against God Himself.

All of us are naturally more comfortable around people most like ourselves. When we allow this disposition to evolve into a prejudice, we have at that point made an idol of our ethnicity. When we show a preference for one person over another based on skin color, we are saying to God with our actions, "you are not worthy of ethnically diverse glory."

To summarize, racism is a direct offense against the Creator of all human beings. It represents a denial of and opposition to His aim to make himself known among all peoples so that He receives the glory that is His due.  It is a preference for our own glory--the lifting up of our own ethnic identity and value as created beings over His value as our Creator. This is what makes racism such an abhorrent evil.

And yet, racist attitudes are still "tolerated" among our churches. One recent example is a Louisiana Southern Baptist congregation that rescinded its invitation for an IMB missionary to speak because he and his wife had adopted interacially. I don't know whether such evil exists on a congregational level in any of the churches of the Mid-Maryland Association, but if it does, I'll go ahead now and invite that church to tender its withdrawal from our fellowship--before MMBA takes care of it for you! 

In the end, such a strong stand isn't about being politically correct. Ultimately, it isn't even about the treatment of fellow human beings, as important as that is. In the end, this issue is about whether our churches desire what God desires--a unified universal church where no ethnic or language group is left out! If your church seeks any less than this because of racial prejudice, your church isn't preaching the Gospel and it is very likely that you stand on the brink of being damned for eternity.

But there is yet another side to this issue. As Pitts rightly points out, we are 40 years beyond the civil rights movement--more than 145 years beyond the end of the Civil War and the ratification of the 13th amendment, and the spirit of racism is still alive and well. As a journalist, Pitts seeks, and fails, to understand why this is the case. To Pitts, it seems logical that a bloody civil war, sweeping constitutional changes, and monumental cultural shifts brought on by the Civil Rights Act should be enough to create a culture wherein racism no longer exists. 

And such would seem logical, were it not for the reality of sin. To be sure, all of the above were the right decision. No nation that presumes any moral authority should tolerate involuntary servitude or government-endorsed preference for any race. At the same time, the abolition of slavery, by itself, doesn't stop one from looking with disdain on his darker-skinned brother.  (Just read up a bit on the abuse of African Americans in the "free" states up north after the Civil War!)  Likewise, government emphases like Affirmative Action might help mask the symptoms of racism, but it will never cure what is really wrong with us.

The central problem is that we are in rebellion against our Creator and thus, we hate what He loves, including racial diversity. As such, the solution to racism is the same as the solution to all sin; a bloody cross and an empty tomb. If this message is genuinely preached and lived in our churches, the evil of racism cannot last long.

Pastors and churches overcome this issue by living the Gospel. Churches will confront--and if necessary remove from membership--those who are members of groups with racist ideology. A member of the KKK is no more qualified than a member of the Taliban to be a member of the local Baptist church.  Pastors will openly confront these sinful attitudes and call men and women who possess them to repentance. 

Diversity will be celebrated and reflected in a congregation's leadership, as elders and deacons are appointed who represent and look like the community they are called to reach. Pastors will emphasize the importance of being "equally-yoked" by teaching their people that this means marriage takes place within the same FAITH, not necessarily the same RACE. Interracial marriage ceremonies will be held that give church members a foretaste of the diverse worship that we are headed for in heaven. Interracial couples and families who have repented of sin and trusted Christ will be welcomed as the brothers and sisters in Christ that they are. Families in the church will adopt children from other nations, cultures, and ethnicities, and such will be celebrated in the life of the church. Denominational entities, from the local association to the national SBC, will take a strong stand on this issue, to the extent that churches which refuse to acknowledge God's plan for all nations are removed from fellowship.

A few weeks ago, I visited and consulted with a church in this area that has exemplified this value for years--a congregation of less than 300 people--from 61 different nations!  We need congregations like this one to lead the way.

We are racist toward each other because we have sinned against our God. Thus, the Gospel is the only message that can unite us. Churches that understand this and live it will ultimately heal the scars caused by racial prejudice. This the only context in which genuine racial unity can ultimately be realized. 

Great Deal on My New Book!

Last month, my new book Speaking from a Firm Foundation was released.  For the next two weeks, you can get it cheap!

The book is essentially a collection of articles I have written over the years, some here on this site, and others at places like Pastors Today by Lifeway, and The Christian Post.  The advantage of the book is that it organizes these writings by subject matter, so you can read in the traditional "front to back" style, or skip around to a subject you are trying to understand better.  The book is divided into eight parts dealing with issues such as truth, Gospel and culture, leaders and leadership, God's global mission, and how to think about and speak Biblically to significant moments.

Critical thinking is often absent in many conversations today.  Fact is, most of our national conversations are led by "talking heads" on the far left and far right, most of whom know little or nothing of what they speak, and merely seek to deepen divisions and line their pockets.  At the popular level, this often leads to lazy minds thoughtlessly committed to their respective political party or point of view.  It is tragic when any human mind is wasted in this way, but for a follower of Jesus, such waste is a sinful abuse of a great gift from God--the ability to think.

With each new generation, there is a need to apply God's unchanging truth in fresh ways.  In this book, I seek to model how to think through a broad range of issues from a distinctly Christian and Biblical perspective.

Though the bookstore retail cost is $17.99, you can get it for $5.99 by going here, and entering the discount code CJRVL4PB  when prompted.

Or, you can go here, and download the Kindle edition for only $2.99!

2013 Summer Reading List

Well, its that time again!  I'll be checking out for a month or so to finish up the final edits on my new book, and take some vacation time, which means its time for my annual summer reading recommendations.

"What are you reading?"  I've been hearing that question since I started out in ministry more than 20 years ago.  At first, it came from older, wiser and seasoned pastors who asked the question as a way of providing guidance to a young man just finding his way around a pulpit.  Years later, I still get this question--now from ministry colleagues as an avenue of inquiry and accountability.

What scares me is that now, after a couple of decades, people tend to take my answers seriously!  Whether I am old enough or wise enough to justify this sort of response I can't tell, but regardless, I'm always happy to recommend what I believe to be good (and also not-so-good, but necessary) reading to those who lead our churches.

The list below is quite diverse and as always, recommendation does not equal endorsement of everything contained therein, but if a pastor or church leader were to ask me for five books he/she should read over the summer, below are my recommendations for 2013:

1. Aubrey Malphurs, Look Before You Lead: How to Discern and Shape Your Church Culture  I'm convinced that many pastors fail to lead well--and some simply fail outright--because they don't understand the organizational culture of their church.  My only critique of this book is that for many leaders, it simply comes too late.  Had Malphurs written this book decades ago he might have saved a number of pastors the heartache of termination caused ultimately by misunderstanding.

But this book is more than simply a manual on how NOT to get fired.  Its a clear guide that helps pastoral leaders see beyond mere strategy, which ultimately is ineffective if not in sync with the culture of an organization, and churches are no different from any other organization in this regard (It was Peter Drucker who once said "Culture eats strategy for lunch!")  Malphurs clearly defines organizational culture by breaking it down  and defining its parts (behaviors, values, beliefs), and then applying this schematic to the church in a way that allows pastors and other church leaders to truly know their congregations, and thus, to know how best to lead them where they need to go.   I will be recommending this book to all incoming pastors in my Association.

2. Rachel Held Evans, A Year of Biblical Womanhood..  Evans has developed a reputation among Evangelicals as something of a gadfly, and her contrarian approach to issues is most clearly seen in this work.  All who hold to a Complementarian view of gender roles will strongly disagree with many of her conclusions, and a few will unfortunately allow their disagreement to fuel a hatred for the author.  I don't recommend this book because I agree with it.  I recommend it because, whether or not she intends it, Rachel Held Evans has provided pastors with a simulation exercise in approaching issues like this in a pastoral way.

Evans gets some things very right in this book.  Though she spends most of her time appealing to the worst expressions of "male headship," those expressions exist, and such chauvinism is still very present in many of our churches.  Pastors should stand with her against the propensity of many men to strictly define headship and "Biblical womanhood" against the backdrop of 1950s American culture.  Its just unfortunate that instead of turning to Scripture for an alternative, Evans appeals to her own strict definition as understood through the lens of 21st century feminism.

Yes, the book is at times careless, and the hermaneutical sloppiness it contains would never make it past week three of a freshman Bible college course. [There are plenty of genuine egalitarian scholars out there who approach these issues more substantively.  If you are looking for precision and carefully defined terms, Evans isn't your gal.)    But I recommend it to pastors for this reason:  Evans represents well what so many young women in our churches are thinking.  Additionally, the abusive expressions of manhood that so many women have experienced in our culture  creates a visceral and understandable reaction when the subject of male headship is raised.  I came away from this book with a much greater understanding of what is going on inside the heads of so many women, and why so many of them have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to the church.  Rachel Held Evans has helped me become a better complementarian, and I'd like to think she has also helped me become a better pastor.  I'm pretty sure that wasn't her goal, but I'm thankful for the insight, and I'm happy to commend it to others.

3. Eric Mason, Manhood Restored: How the Gospel Makes Men Whole.  I searched for the link to this one on Amazon just after the last one, and it almost set my laptop on fire!

I've followed Eric Mason's ministry for several years now, and I'm so thankful for the influence he is having on the city of Philadelphia.  Those who rightly eschew 1950s style "male headship" shouldn't turn to 21st century feminism for the answer.  They should turn to Jesus, and Mason's book will help them do it.  Mason's thesis is simple: In Jesus Christ we have the only living, breathing example of perfected manhood.  If you want to know how a man should think, what a man should do, and/or how the essence of manhood is defined, don't look to Ward Cleaver or Tom Leykis.  Look at Jesus.  When you do, you discover that the essence of being a man is to take responsibility for yourself, and for those around you

Even in the church, men tend to vacillate between the wimp and the barbarian.  Mason's book is a great antidote that pushes men back toward the Gospel, and encourages them toward faithful leadership of their homes and churches.  Though at times the book is overly-verbose (well, he is a preacher after all!), I find that as a man I sometimes need said repetition in order to drill redeemed ways of thinking and living into my thick head, and I'm guessing most other men need this too because, well, we are guys!

4. James D. Bratt, Abraham Kuyper: Modern Calvinist, Christian Democrat.  Anyone who reads this blog regularly already knows that Kuyper has heavily influenced my thinking relative to cultural engagement and world change by Christians.  Now James Bratt--the preeminent Kuyper historian, has assembled a thorough and comprehensive biography of his life that I honestly didn't think was possible.  Abraham Kuper lived in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.  He was a Dutch Reformed pastor, newspaper editor, member of Dutch Parliament, and also served as Prime Minister of the Netherlands.  The influence of his thought on Dutch governance, education, and principled pluralism continues to impact that part of Europe to this day in profound ways.

 Bratt also describes how Kuyper's teachings on "sphere sovereignty" affected nearly every area of Dutch life.  Pastors who read this biography will read about a real-world and historically recent example of how theology should interact with and affect all societal domains, from education to health care to agriculture to transportation to science and technology to politics and governance.  Most pastors in my area have people sitting under their preaching every week who work in all of these areas, and through Kuyper's example pastors can learn how to equip and unleash the whole church to change the world in the way Jesus intended.

5. Andy Stanley, Deep and Wide:  Creating Churches Unchurched People Love to Attend.  Andy Stanley is proof of the fact that, even within Christendom, people tend to hate what they don't understand.  From his innovative and (some would say) questionable methodology, to his outright refusal to enter into public debate with other Christians about his ministry, Stanley has certainly established himself as a sufficiently hated man.  And from where I stand, that would seem to put him in good company.

To be sure, I wouldn't do some of the things Stanley does, but this book helped me understand why he does what he does.  It also helped me understand that there are some things I should be doing that I'm not.  I understand that some will be turned off by the silent premise of the book--namely, that the church gathered on Sunday should primarily be about being "attractional."  I think its a valid point.  At the same time, Stanley is capable of something few pastors seem to be able to pull off:  hitting his target, and focusing relentlessly on that target.

If you are like me, and appreciate Andy Stanley's ministry, but have also had questions about why he does some of the things he does, this book will clear up much for you, and you will also learn quite a bit along the way.  Not every church is supposed to be exactly like Northpoint.  But if more would take Northpoint's lead by focusing more intentionally on non-Christians, we might actually be able to make the kind of cultural impact that Jesus expects of us.

Also available soon, my newest book, Speakiing from a Firm Foundation, will release in early fall.  In the mean time, you can also pick up Planting Churches in the Real World, and/or Side-Stepping Landmines and add these to your list for the summer!

Orphan Justice: A Guest Blog

Today, you have the privilege of hearing from my best friend in the world!  Almost 19 years ago, God allowed me to marry a beautiful, smart, fun, insightful, and godly woman, whose only handicaps (as evidenced by who she married) are blindness and bad character judgment.  :)

Most of my readers are aware that we are both an adoptive and multi-ethnic family.  While it is my great delight to play the role of "dad" to this bunch, many of the details of family life are handled by their mother.   These details included the tedious task of navigating local and state governments, two national governments and an adoption agency in order for she and I to bring our daughter home almost 3 years ago.  But they also include continued advocacy for orphans worldwide.  Today, my wife Amy recommends a recent book for anyone genuinely interested in the global orphan crisis, and what can be done about it.  My wife's wisdom comes largely from being a constant learner.  She learned much from Johnny Carr's new book, and wants others to learn from it as well, so that together we can live out the James 1:27 mandate to the glory of God. Enjoy!

Orphan justice involves more than playing an adoption-focused video in our churches on the first Sunday in November. I knew that.

I've been in orphanages in Central America. I have advocated for teens who are months away from aging out of a broken system. I regularly spearhead fundraising events for adoptive families. I make an effort to buy goods that are produced by companies with an upstanding record of global responsibility. I have begun to raise awareness about the slavery that goes on in our neighborhoods and around the world. In 2010, Joel and I traveled to the other side of the planet to bring a special needs child into my family. I thought I understood the global orphan crisis. However, I've learned that orphan justice is much more complex than I'd ever imagined.

"Developing a holistic model for orphan care forces us to dive into every aspect of an orphan's struggle, even when it's uncomfortable. The fact is that very few orphans around the world have only to deal with the emotional consequences of losing one or both parents...In the twenty-first century American church, we have wrongly dismissed many of these issues, and for that we need to repent. On other fronts we have been silent, and we must now become a voice." (pgs. 18-19)

Johnny Carr handles this issue with transparency and grace. I appreciate the way that he expresses his own journey into the adoption community and orphan care. He addresses multiple areas of crisis including human trafficking, poverty, HIV/AIDS, the orphanage and foster care systems, abortion and racism. At the end of each chapter he provides tangible ways that individuals and/or groups can become a part of the solution to these problems. 

The final paragraphs of each chapter begin with "ANYONE can...MANY can...A FEW can..." As I read these words, I found myself compelled to be one of the few.

153 million. That is the number of children in this world who have lost one or both parents. Many are slaves. Many are victims of poverty. Many are living on the street. Many will not live to see their next birthday. By then, more precious image-bearers of God will have taken their place. I once thought the solution was adoption. For some of these children, it is the perfect solution. I will continue to advocate for adoption until my final breath. However, more should and can be done. I am grateful to Mr. Carr for opening my eyes.

"Friends, this is war. Satan's great scheme is to destroy the family, and he seems to be doing a pretty good job of it. We must fight back in this spiritual battle." (pg. 185)


Want to help Satan in his cause? Do nothing.

You can pick up a copy of Johnny Carr's book here. 

Why Complete Religious Freedom is Essential to our Future

In a few hours, I'll be checking out of the office and spending the month of May trying to finish two new books for publication in the fall.  Among other things, this means I won't be posting very often here until June.  But before I leave, I wanted to write a bit about an issue that I've been thinking deeply about lately:  religious freedom.

Last Thursday, I spent a wonderful evening of food and friendship with people of diverse faiths at an event sponsored by my Turkish Muslim friends.  Additionally, they honored me with the opportunity to speak about our growing friendship.  Each of us represented very different faiths--faiths that often contradict one another and present very different views of God, sin, redemption, heaven and hell.  And yet there were were; Episcopal and Catholic priests, Jewish Rabbis, Muslim Imams, and a few Baptist pastors from the network of churches I serve, eating and learning together.

I've been asked before why I participate in these kinds of events.  Is it because I believe that ultimately, we are all the same?  Do I believe that ultimately, we all worship the same god?  

The answer to that question is a resounding "no."  

And I state that clearly every time I'm given the opportunity to speak to my friends who adhere to other faiths.  I believe God has ultimately revealed Himself in the person of Jesus Christ.  I believe Jesus' bloody death and bodily resurrection is the only avenue to having your sins forgiven.  I believe repentance from sin and toward Jesus, and faith alone in HIS finished work is the only way to a relationship with God.  And because I believe this, and because I love my friends, I spend time with them.

But I also spend time at events like this for another reason:  because we must model for the rest of the world what "tolerance" really looks like!

The term "tolerance" has had so many definitions applied to it over the past few years that the word itself has nearly been emptied of all significant meaning.  In the mainstream media, the term is largely used as a weapon against anyone who disagrees with the prevailing views of the day.  In short, to be "tolerant" you must agree with the majority, and if you don''t, then you are "intolerant."  Pot, meet kettle!

Another way this term has been abused is by assuming that all ideas and beliefs are of equal value, and that no particular belief or worldview can possibly be superior to another.  Practically, this approach to tolerance results in talking about what we hold in common while completely ignoring our deep differences.  The problem with this view of tolerance is that those who practice it can, at best, only develop "surface level" relationships with those of other faiths.  This view of tolerance never leads to deep friendships, because the deepest and most meaningful parts of who we are--our most cherished beliefs about God and redemption--are never discussed.  

Truth is, I've never met a Muslim Imam who believes I can go to heaven as long as I continue to believe that Jesus is God, and I've never met a Bible-believing pastor who believes my Muslim friends can go to heaven unless they believe He is God!  We have to find ways to talk openly and honestly about these differences--and why we hold them--in order to promote genuine peace among each other.  How can you have a genuine, respectful relationship with anyone if you don't understand why they believe what they believe?  My friend Bob Roberts says it best: "Multifaith not only respects but encourages religious people to say exactly what they believe, no matter how stark the differences.  But it encourages them to do so in the spirit of peace."

This is the kind of environment in which we can understand each other better, and share our faith openly, and it should exist on every square inch of planet earth!

Which brings me to the subject that prompted this post.  For some time now, Pastor Saeed Abedini, an Iranian-born American citizen, has been confined in an Iranian prison for preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ in that country.  According to an article in Baptist Press released yesterday, he has been told by Iranian authorities, "Deny your faith in Jesus Christ and return to Islam or else you will not be released from prison.  We will make sure you are kept here even after your 8 year sentence is finished."

Such is the epitome of "intolerance," and in practice, it really doesn't look much different from the "tolerance" that we see in our own land.  No, we aren't threatening to imprison people for what they believe (although you don't have to go back too far in our history to witness the drowning of women suspected of witchcraft), and we aren't denying anyone medical treatment because they hold to a minority opinion.  But no one can argue that we have become a nation quick to prejudge others based on their religious beliefs.  Those who oppose the legalization of same-sex marriage are simply labeled "bigots."  Muslims denied a building permit are assumed to be "terrorists in hiding."  Some days, I think we would actually imprison people for their beliefs, if only it weren't for that pesky Constitution!  

And, I think that says something indicting about our culture.  

We are, in reality, far from being a tolerant people.  Most of the "tolerance" we observe in our culture isn't really tolerance at all.  Its intellectual cowardice.  Albeit, its of a different variety--and thankfully, a far less violent variety-- than that of an Iranian government that locks up minority opinion, but both are examples of what people will do when they are simply too afraid to talk to each other.

Last Thursday evening, I shared a table with a Methodist pastor, a Catholic priest, an Episcopal priest, a Jewish rabbi, and a Muslim engineer.  And I did it because meetings like this are the starting point for genuine religious freedom to continue.

I did it because I believe Jews should be free to build a synagogue in my South Carolina hometown.  I did it because I believe Muslims should be free to build a mosque near "ground zero" in New York.  And I did it because I believe I should be free to plant a Christian church in Istanbul, or Cairo, or Tel Aviv, or Tehran.  And, I believe Pastor Saeed should be free to do the same.

But we will never get there until we drop the "tolerance" charade and start talking to each other!

So What's It Like to Minister Here? Ask a Pastor's Wife!

If you want to know theology, ask a Pastor.  If you want to know culture, ask a pastor's wife!

While that mantra may not be universally true, in a general sense, wives tend to walk in culture, and closer to culture, than most of their pastor husbands.  Principally, this is because while the pastor is busy with church meetings, planning, conflict mediation, sermon preparation, and other things aimed at the "inside" of a church, his wife is shopping in the supermarkets, attending PTA meetings, and possibly working a job herself in the city.

One of the things we have learned in our area is the need for recognizing how people live, and seeking to understand their lifestyles if we hope to connect with them in any meaningful way.  You simply cannot minister effectively to someone you don't understand.  You don't have to agree with their lifestyle choices or worldviews in order to serve them, but you do have to understand where they are coming from.

A couple of months ago, as part of a leadership development process with select pastors and their wives from this Association, the wives were asked to develop a profile of what it is like to be in ministry in the Baltimore-Washington, D.C. area   What is below is the result of 13 of these women coming together and seeking to communicate both the perils and possibilities of serving the precious people in this part of the world.  If you are contemplating ministry, or especially church planting in this area, you should benefit from the collective wisdom of many godly women, who share their perceptions with you below.

And if you live elsewhere, I strongly recommend writing a similar profile of the cultural landscape where you live, along with a colorful description of what ministry is like in that area.  And I know of no one more qualified to speak to these issues than the pastor's wife.  I thank God for these women, and their heart for Jesus and this area.  Learn from them:

Profile of Ministry in Mid-Atlantic Culture and the Baltimore-Washington, D.C. area*

Our settings range from the most challenging corners of inner-city Baltimore (arguably the murder capitol of the United States) to rural Pennsylvania. 

Though the population is dense, isolation is common and even cultural to some degree.  People do not just drop by someone’s home.  Unexpected guests are very uncommon.  Neighbors often know very little about one another. 

The entire area is a “bedroom community” for individuals who work in Baltimore and Washington DC.  Due to this nearby power base, the opportunity for influence is huge.  Much of what takes place here is politically-charged.   People commute up to 2.5 hours one-way to work in the District.  Obviously, this has negative affects on the family.

Life is fast-paced.  Traffic is congested.  Everyone is too busy and this is never-ending.  Long commute times and high-stress jobs add to the mindset.  People are incredibly career-oriented.  Education is an idol.  A high percentage of the populace has obtained a post-graduate degree.  (30% have a Master’s degree or higher).  High pressure is placed on students from Middle School forward.  Church attendance is not even on the radar of most people due to Sunday being their only opportunity for recreation.  As a result, a large number of events (5Ks, Soccer & Lacrosse Matches, Community Festivals, and even children’s birthday parties) are held during the same time that church services are going on.

Many consider themselves to be more cosmopolitan than most.  There is pride in secularism and liberalism.  (We are one of the first states to legalize same-gender marriage.  There is great pride in this.) Social open-mindedness is an attribute, even in the mind of many churchgoers.   There is a culture of nominal religion that is often identified as Christianity, but it is not evangelical. (Two largest groups are Catholic and Seventh-Day Adventist.)

Diversity exists across many aspects of life.   A large portion of the population are transplants.  There are roughly 60 languages spoken here.  We have a true melting pot of culture, standards, worldview, family makeup, socio-economic status, and gender identity. ( A medical form commonly has 3 options for gender:  Male, Female, or Other).  Political correctness is a high priority.

Many churches are facing the realities of a surrounding community that has changed drastically in recent years.  Biblical illiteracy and immaturity in older believers is a problem.  In many cases, discipleship seems to have been greatly lacking for many years. 

There seem to be two primary groups of people  that we are trying to reach.

1-Incredibly wealthy, highly educated.    These people feel that they have it all together.  There are no felt-needs.  They have the money (or the debt potential) to buy most things that will make them “happy”.  Because of their lack of physical need, it is difficult to make them consider spiritual need. 

2-Poor, struggling, toughened.  These people are determined to be self-sufficient.  They do not want or need anyone’s help.  There is incredible brokenness.  It is difficult to build trust.  Poverty, homelessness, drug addiction, prostitution, murder, alcoholism & violence are the norm.  They live this or witness it on a daily basis.  Most mothers in the city are single mothers.  There is a rawness to their need, though they wouldn’t admit it.  This group is particularly emotionally draining on a ministry family.  The weight of the brokenness and spiritual darkness is a heavy burden.  One of our younger churches has an annual prayer walk, visiting all of the sites where a church family has lost a friend or loved one to murder in the previous year.  Building a church in this region can be difficult as “redemption and lift” takes place.  People living in this hard place who come to faith in Jesus often end up building a better life for themselves (free of addiction, etc.) and then moving away to a safer area.

With both groups, the ground is hard to plow.  For many, the concept of church revolves around Catholicism.  God is not personal, and He couldn’t care less about them or their problems.

Evangelical Christians are in great minority and often not trusted due to misunderstanding.  The secular, humanistic mindset that exists here can be shocking to someone unfamiliar with it.   The hectic , high-stress pace often causes people to be rude and impatient.  But, when one of these people surrenders to Jesus, the ramifications are far-reaching.  Who knows when one of our churches might influence the next senator, cabinet member, or even president for the sake of the Gospel?

*This profile was assembled in February 2013 by 13 Pastor’s wives who live and minister with their husbands in our area.

Laying Waste to "Time-Wasters."

While I don't normally write about the specifics of administrative matters, I want to talk a bit this week about making the most of a busy schedule.  More particularly, I want to address that co-worker, parishioner, or small group member who seems to do nothing more than waste your time.

It sounds heartless I know.  But its reality.  I'm responsible for an organization that collaborates with more than 60 churches in the Baltimore-Washington area.  More than 10,000 evangelical Christians worship in those churches every Sunday.  I have to keep this Association moving in the right direction, and I can't do it if I grant every meeting requested, or if I spend all my time responding and reacting to others' requests instead of being a proactive leader.  And if you lead in any capacity, this is true of you as well.  

You simply cannot allow your time--possibly the most precious commodity you have to give--to be stolen by people and events that will keep you from doing what you know God has called you to do.  It may seem cold, but the fact is that the world is full of time-wasters--people who will suck the life out of you, and the effectiveness out of your work, or your ministry.  When you allow that to happen, everyone you serve suffers for it.  Conversely, when you refuse to give in, it may seem at first like the time-waster is suffering.  But in reality, maybe he or she will learn as lesson as well.

In my experience, there are three predominant types of time wasters:

The Clueless:  These tend to be the most innocent of the bunch, mostly because they never seem able to nail down a specific purpose for wanting your attention.  "I need to have a meeting with you," is their very simple and typical approach.  When you ask them what they want to address, the best they can usually come up with is something general.  "Oh, I just want to talk with you about what's happening in my ministry."  Usually, its less specific than this, which means when you finally meet, you will likely talk about nothing substantive.

While you may think yourself compassionate for enabling their ambiguity, the reality is that by granting said meeting, you are feeding the myth that your mere presence and casual conversation will actually accomplish something for this person.

Be forewarned:  Once you start to draw tighter lines around when you grant a meeting, the clueless will be offended.  Usually, this is due to their perception that you are there to "be their friend." Truth is, I have many friends in the organization I work for.  But I'm not paid for my friendship.  I'm paid to run the organization, and this same principle is true regardless of your field of employment.  Don't fall prey to the clueless time-waster.  Instead, keep on course with what you are called to do.  And in the process, you might help them more than you or they realize--mostly by helping them get a clue.

The Unmotivated:  I've had many coaching relationships over the years.  Most I look back on with fondness and thankfulness.  But a few I simply look back on in frustration, because they did not use MY time wisely.

I remember one young man who would ask to meet with me every couple of weeks.  We mapped out a "life plan" for his twenties that included the completion of his wedding plans with his fiance, eliminating his student loan debt, buying a home, and securing a church family for he and his new bride.  A year later, he had accomplished precisely none of this, yet still wanted to meet with me to "talk about the plan."

Unmotivated people are in many ways like Bob Wiley from the movie "What About Bob?"  As portrayed by Bill Murray, Wiley was an agoraphobic and hypochondriac who never left his home--except to see his therapist!  For Bob Wiley, the therapist visit WAS the end game!  He never intended to improve his own life or get better.  As a result, he brought his therapists down with him.

Don't let the guy from "What About Bob" steal your time.  If there is no forward progress, stop taking meetings with them!

The Anthropocentric:  For most of human history we believed that we lived in a "geocentric" universe, where the Earth was at the center, and everything revolved around it.  Then the 17th century came along and with it, the Copernican revolution.  Because of our observations of space, we now know that we live in a "heliocentric" solar system, with the Sun at the center, and the Earth being merely one of nine planets that revolve around it.

The universe is a big place, and the earth now has more than 7 billion people on it.  And occasionally, you will meet someone in your work or ministry who thinks all those people revolve around them--including you!  This is the anthropocentric time-waster.

This is the caustic, self-centered individual who expects you to drop whatever you are doing whenever he or she calls.  My work load includes roughly 150 emails daily (those are just the ones that make it past my staff, who get hundreds more!), many, many phone conversations, and a professional calendar that tends to stay booked solid at least two weeks out.  If I abandon the routine that allows me to address all of this simply because of the demands of one person, I'm not being fair to others in our network.

This is the person who doesn't blink when you tell them "I'm unavailable at that time."  Its the person who responds to your list of availability with an "alternate" choice you haven't given them.

Anthropocentric time-wasters get you off track, and off mission, primarily by their constant demands for you to compromise your schedule, and constantly react to others as opposed to being intentional about moving forward and doing your job.  Don't let these people hijack your life.

I'm sure there are other categories of time-wasters that could be given here, but the three above broadly describe the various kinds of people you will encounter who can get you off track.  Once you have identified them, how do you deal with them?

Principle 1:  Written confirmation of meetings and their purpose.  Don't ever, ever set a meeting with someone without confirming what it is you hope to accomplish.  Agree together on the agenda and goals, and do it in writing!

Principle 2: Expectations as to meeting outcomes. This is simple mutual accountability.  At the end of every staff meeting, those who work for me take away assignments, and so does their boss!  We all walk away knowing there is an expectation on each of us that those assignments will be completed before our next meeting.  

To be a good steward of time, you can't just know what you want to get done during the meeting.  You must also know what actions are expected to be generated as a result of the meeting.

Principle 3:  Refusal of subsequent meetings until prior commitments have been met.  Don't let Bob Wiley get away with coming to you over and over again while he accomplishes nothing.  If after a limited number of times together, it appears the other party is intentionally spinning their wheels, turn them loose in the ditch!  Just because they have no desire to get out of it doesn't mean you must be stuck there with them.

This doesn't mean that you don't leave the door open for them to come back.  But it does mean you are putting expectations on them BEFORE they can come back.  Several times in response to requesting a meeting I have asked "Have you accomplished X and Y since we last met?"  If the answer is no, then my response is simple.  "Well, once you get that accomplished, give my office a call and I'll be glad to meet with you about the next steps."

Principle 4:  Don't let it get to you.  Ever been pulled over by a police officer?  I have, and I don't remember a single time when that officer threw himself across the hood of my car in a fit of emotion, or yelled at me, or abused me in any way simply because I was breaking the speed limit.  In every situation, he calmly walked up to my window with his ticket book opened, and asked for my drivers license.

Why?  Because in those situations, the officer had the authority and power.  And when you have authority and power, you don't need to spend your emotions.

Developing a habit to saying "no" to time-wasters so you can say "yes" more often to the organization as a whole will inevitably tick some people off.  They will be annoyed with you.  Some will get upset with you.  In those moments when the nasty emails come accusing you of "not thinking I'm important," don't give in to the guilt trip.  And a sure-fire way to know if you have given in to guilt is if you allow your emotions to get the better of you.

You have the authority over the time God has given you to steward on this earth.  You cannot cede that to people who are demanding, and you don't have to get angry or otherwise emotional with them.  Just be the officer with the ticket book.  Don't be afraid to calmly say "I'm unavailable"  or "we can't meet until you have......" or "we need to clarify our purpose for getting together."

I work primarily with pastors, and though I love them, pastors are the worst at allowing others to hijack the time God has given them.  Of course there are emergencies, and when those emergencies happen, you respond to your people with the pastoral care and concern that they need.  But you also need to know how to define "emergency."  Many pastors have no clue, and as a result, fall prey to the time-wasters, who subsequently restrain them from serving the entire church well.  Your church does not revolve around the most demanding congregants.  It revolves around Jesus.  Make sure you behave accordingly, and you will model Christ-centered time management for your people.

What about you?  Who are the "time-wasters" in your professional life that you have to watch out for, and how are you ensuring that you aren't allowing them to divert your attention and turn you into a time-waster too?

Can Complementarian Fathers Raise Strong Women? What I'm Teaching My Daughter

I believe the Scriptures teach that in the marriage relationship, wives should submit themselves to the leadership of their husbands, as husbands conversely love their wives by ultimately sacrificing their lives for their brides.  That isn't limited to being willing to die for her.  It also includes living for her exclusively, and giving of yourself without thought.  

The cultural description for this position is called complementarianism, and it is the belief that while men and women are essentially equal image bearers of God, they bear functional distinctions that complement each other.  The theological term for this concept is "male headship," and even in many evangelical Christian circles, its about as popular as a Philly steak-laden belch in a crowded elevator.

I won't belabor the Biblical and theological rationale for the classical complementarian position in this post (I've already done that here, for those who are interested.)  Instead, I want to address concerns I've heard lately that ask what kind of women emerge from homes that follow this philosophy of marriage and family.  Many have implied, and a few more have explicitly stated that male headship teaches women to be "weak."

Well, as the father of a soon-to-be 4 year old daughter, I certainly don't have all the answers.  Truth be told, having a daughter has raised many more questions than I had prior to her arrival in our family!  Furthermore, I acknowledge that I can't ultimately control the outcomes of my children's lives.  They will all ultimately make their own decisions.  But this doesn't relieve me of my responsibility as a dad to raise them in the fear of the Lord, nor does it justify abdication of setting goals for what I want to help my children accomplish.  

I also admit that for far too many, "headship" is ill-defined as something that benefits dad, and it sometimes takes the form of Dad being a drill-sergeant to the whole family.  Those guys aren't leaders.  They are jerks.  And they aren't practicing Biblical headship.  Instead, they are practicing a form of chauvinistic, gender-specified fascism.  Men, if the way you lead your home makes you more comfortable and your family less secure, whatever you are practicing isn't what the Scriptures call "headship."

So, what is the profile of a young woman raised in a complementarian home?  Well, I'm going to do my best to see the following realized in my little girl.

1. I will teach her to love Jesus.  This is the most important decision any of my children can make.  I want my daughter exposed frequently to the message that she, like the rest of humanity, is fallen in her sin and in desperate need of a Savior.  I want her to learn how to share her faith, and how to present the Gospel above the fray of "comparative religions" so that Jesus is truly seen as being offered to the whole world.

2. I will teach her to be well-read and globally aware.  I want her to be able to have intelligent discussions relative to science, politics, technology, culture, and faith.  And when I say "intelligent discussions," I mean the sort of invigorating talk that will cause her to react with a yawn to tired "talking heads" on TV, or to the over-simplified arguments that are so often given in our current culture-war environment.  I want her to know how the world works--not just our country, but the world!  I want her to be comfortable having discussions about global issues with anyone on the globe! And, I want to instill a compassion in her that will serve as a "pilot light" to ignite the knowledge she gains into action that will serve others in the name of Jesus.

I want her to be comfortable living anywhere in the world, and competent with the cross-cultural skills that should befit any young person whose prime of life will span the mid-21st century.  Most importantly, I want her to develop a genuine love for people of every nation, tongue and tribe.  I want her to have fun exploring the world God created and the people He placed in it.

3. I will teach her to fight.  Unfortunately, we live in a world where too many young men are emerging as barbarians who have no idea how to treat a woman.  Everything from over-sexualized commercials to the trafficking and sex trade itself betrays that even full-blown, tolerant egalitarianism can't wipe away the propensity of some men to treat women like a commodity.  

To be sure, I have no problem being her protector, and in the event that her safety is threatened by said meat-heads, I would have no problem using my own bare hands to pound them into a bloody pulp to the greater glory of God and the joy of all mankind.  But since I'm realistic enough to know that I won't always be there, I intend to teach my princess how to defend herself.  If she needs training that can't be provided by her old man, we will send her to classes.  But at the end of the day, I want my young lady to know how to completely and permanently wash out a guy's kneecap, as well as how to be disabling with a groin shot or pepper spray, and if absolutely necessary, lethally accurate with a 9mm.  

I want her to cherish peace, and stay away from trouble if she is able.  But when confronted with a threat to her safety or the safety of weaker people with her, I want her to be able to take care of business. (and for what it's worth, she's already proving at 3 to have the spunk to do it. Just ask her two older brothers!)

4. I will teach her self-awareness.  I want her to discover how God has gifted her, and help her develop and use those gifts for His glory.  Through everything from choosing hobbies to determining how she will educate herself, I want her to know beyond a doubt who God has created her to be, and I want her to live out the purpose for why she was placed on this planet at this time in history.  

Her mother and I are keenly aware of her "life story" from the time she was born until the moment we met her at a hotel in Guangzhou, China.  There is no doubt in our minds that God gave her to us for the purpose of raising her up for great things.  So, she will need to learn what she is good at, and what she isn't good at.  She will need to learn how to check her own gut, and make sound judgement calls based on Scriptural principles applied to her own self-awareness.  Whatever she decides to do professionally will be greatly enhanced if she does it with a keen sense of self-awareness.

5. I will teach her discernment when it comes to boys.  In some sense, she is in the worst possible environment for meeting boys.  As a pastor's daughter, she will no doubt meet a lot of meat-heads who can fake it really well and talk about Jesus in a way that is so convincing that it seems they actually know Him personally.  But there is a huge, HUGE difference between men of God and "church boys."  And I intend to teach her the difference.

It is unfortunate that in so many churches, young men are allowed and almost blessed to remain immature, unemployed, uneducated, irresponsible, and generally ambivalent about anything in life except their latest high score in World of Warcraft or Halo.  Additionally, many young men are highly capable of employing "church language" to fool a gal into thinking that they are sincere in their walk with Jesus, when in reality they just sincerely want to take advantage of the girl.  

Regrettably, the church--the one environment where strong men should be ever present and ready to help young bucks with their needed cranial-rectal extractions--is often the place perceived to be filled with women and weak men.  And the result in too many churches can be a minefield of spiritual sounding 30-year-old adolescents who don't have their own act together and are consequently in no way qualified to marry--which means they have no business dating!  As blunt and crass as it may sound, most "Christian" young men are absolutely and completely full of crap.

Fortunately, my little girl has a daddy who was once one of those young men.  I know them well because, well, I WAS one of them.  Thankfully, I had strong men who taught me Sunday School and walked with me in life in my church, which helped me more quickly cross over the bridge of authenticity from "church boy" to "man of God."  I honestly don't know where I would be today without men like Markley Edwards and Bill Merritt, who were straight and frank with me about what God expects from young men who belong to Him.

By the time she is ready to date young men, I want her "Bull meter" to be hyper-sensitive, because I don't want my young lady married to a loser she has to support one day because he is too busy still being an adolescent idiot.  And in the event that said adolescents try to force something on my little girl: well, see # 3 above.  :)

6. I will teach her to have a healthy self-image not defined by men, or by women's magazines aimed at men.  The percentage of young ladies today obsessed with their body image is astronomical, and sad.  So called "women's" magazines--which in reality are no more than rags teaching females how to be everything desired by a middle-aged boy who can shave--simply enhance this crisis of ladies who are implicitly told to interpret the whole of their existence though she shape of their bodies and the aggressive expression of their sexuality.

My little girl knows Dad thinks she is beautiful, and she always will.  But there is something else I think fathers should teach their daughters that is far more important; that GOD thinks they are beautiful just as they are.  As such, no one else's opinion matters.  If they disagree, then they are simply wrong.  From our Creator originates all things, including the base definition of "beauty."  In light of His all-expansive, multi-ethnic, expression of the concept through a myriad of body types, hair colors, and cultural fashion expressions all around the world, a nearly naked, borderline anorexic Victoria's Secret model shouldn't be seen as the "ideal."  If anything, that picture should be beneath our little girls.  And any boys who see that picture as the ideal should be beneath them as well.

Our daughters should have a healthy image of themselves as truly beautiful, and they should be given the creativity within Biblical boundaries of modesty to express that beauty in a way that enhances this healthy self-image.  Furthermore, she should never, ever change her appearance merely to satisfy a male suitor.

7. I will teach her how to be a voice of wisdom.  Though I don't believe God placed the burden of ultimate responsibility on women in the home or the church, I also reject the idea that male headship means that a woman's voice isn't to be highly valued.  I don't want my daughter bearing burdens God never intended her to bear.  But I do want her to be a meaningful contributor, and valued ministry partner with those who are charged with that burden.

I can't count the times I've been "saved" by no more than a gentle touch of my arm by my wife, who pulls me back from the edge, and speaks great wisdom by giving me a broader perspective I did not previously have.  Honestly, the Association of churches I serve has been spared plenty by my hand because I have a godly wife who headed my stupid ideas off at the pass!  (And I'm not the only one who realizes this.  See Ed Litton's post here.)

I want my daughter to be a voice of wisdom like her mother, and I want her to use that voice frequently, whether it is a work, or at church benefiting her pastor, or at home benefiting her husband if indeed God grants her a spouse.

8. I will teach her that she doesn't "need" a man.  Too many women are encouraged to find the lion's share of their future as beginning on their wedding day.  To be sure, its a big day, and certainly a major milestone that should last a lifetime.  But there is a previous step to this vision that is all-too-often missed in many Christian homes:  If she doesn't know herself, and isn't confident in herself, marriage won't fix the problem.  It will make it worse.

I recently met a new leader at one of our churches.  She is my age, gainfully employed as a professional, confident in her role and calling, and has never been married.  She isn't some rabid feminist with a chip on her shoulder, and she isn't bitter toward men.  She simply learned who she was in Christ, and accepts that she can fulfill that role faithfully without a husband.  And she is right!

It is true that most women will get married, and most will want to get married.  That's OK.  At the same time, our daughters should be taught that they don't "need" to get married--at least not in the same way that they need food, shelter and clothing.  Our daughters have a greater daddy than us in their Heavenly Father.  If they are Christian, they have a husband in His Son, and they have a protector/provider/empowering affirming presence in His Holy Spirit.  I want my little girl to know that she is already complete, and doesn't need a spouse to be complete.  

If God grants her a husband, then that is a wonderful thing that she should cherish, and in that event, fairy-tale day dreams about the wedding day are fine. If however, she ends up like Lottie Moon; well, she will be in good company!  (for those who know Miss Moon's story, it should not surprise you that I would find Crawford Howell Toy to be a wholly unacceptable son-in-law!)

9. I will teach her that men who can accept all of the above might...might be worthy of her submission.  Simply put, I will teach my daughter that men who are too weak to lead a strong woman--men who are intimidated by strong women--aren't fit to be husbands.  Typically, these kinds of men manifest in one of two ways: they are either the obvious "wimp" who never makes a decision and leads the way, or he becomes a "dictator" in his own home; overpowering the voice of his wife by intimidating her because, deep down, he is afraid to admit that sometimes, she might be smarter than he is!  I believe that wives should submit themselves to the leadership of their husbands.  I also believe that women who want to become wives should choose carefully to whom they will submit.

Candidly, this is the point where mate selection breaks down almost irrevocably in our culture.  Cultural pressures encourage young women to try and get the guy with the prettiest eyes, the best hair, or the hottest car.  Books and movies marketed to teen girls enable such surface-level criteria for establishing a long-lasting relationship.  I won't keep my daughter from those movies.  I'd much rather see her roll her eyes in disgust after seeing one.  But the only way that will happen is if Dad teaches her how to think critically and deeply about the kinds of relationships she develops.  If you can't see yourself ever trusting the leadership of a particular young man, then you shouldn't marry him.  And if you aren't going to marry him, then you have no business dating him!

10. I will teach her that it is up to her.  From a purely statistical standpoint, there is a 90% chance that one day, my role as provider and protector of my daughter will come to an end on her wedding day.  More than likely, sometime within the next two decades I will escort her down an aisle, and give her to another man.  In that moment, she will become his responsibility.  In the meantime, I can give advice and counsel.  I can offer my blessing on her relationships when I believe they are wise.  And, I can warn her when I perceive her to be going down the wrong road.  But ultimately, it is up to her to decide who she marries.  Ultimately, it is up to her whether she gets married.

Additionally, her own life decisions regarding education, career, and calling require the guidance of two parents who love her very much.  Yes, my wife and I want a complementarian daughter.  No, we do not want to raise a "doormat."  We want to raise a strong woman.  And by God's grace, and especially within the gender framework we believe He has designed, we believe we can.